Take my child or Somebody's Going to Get Hurt

Whenever I would meet someone who found out I was a new mommy they would always say, "Aren't they fun?" I would smile at them but would think to myself-"fun is not the word I would use to describe my situation." It is a blast now-most of the time, but the first eight months were a living hell. It wasn't my son. He was a good baby. It wasn't him, it was me. I hadn't slept in over a year and I was totally depressed. God allows me to go through certain things so that I can't be self righteous. Before I had my son I would hear of a mother who hurt herself and her child and I would think. "How can anyone do something like that?" I know how. Wow those first few months were scary for me. I was clueless about how to take care of a baby. I wasn't producing enough milk and I was alone most of the day. I was lonely, I was tired and I felt guilty all of the time. Why didn't I have lovey dovey thoughts all day? What was wrong with me? A hormone imbalance and some chemicals a little bit off, now add to that no sleep, guilt for not producing enough milk and loneliness and this is a dangerous recipe. A newborn cannot care about you or tell you that it is all going to be okay. It just cries a lot. I thank God everyday that I had some self control and could say to myself-"self, get a grip-those are not good thoughts, take a deep breath and think of something else." There were times I thought about crashing my car and had to literally shake it off. I can't even imagine what it must be like for women who are truly clinically depressed and cannot catch their thoughts and make them captive. Sometimes I get a little nervous when I think of having another child. I have always been a truly fun and happy person with lots of optimism and it freaks me out to think about being in that frame of mind again. On the bright side I can now remember that it gets better. One of the things that make the baby blues so blue is the feeling that it is never going to get better. The feeling that your life has changed forever. Now I know that a newborn doesn't stay a newborn forever. At 8 months I started going to the park everyday. More for me than for my son. I need to talk to other parents. At 10 months I placed him in daycare part time. I drove around looking for the right place and all I wanted was for someone to take my child or someone was going to get hurt. He started sleeping through the night at one year and then my life changed. Sleep is what I really needed. Soon I got back to work full time and I felt human again. After 18 months he was truly fun. It just kept getting better and better. He truly is a blast. I know I can't live without him. He provides the purest unconditional love, hugs and kisses. He brings me unparalleled joy. I hope that anyone who is going through something similar can grow in faith that it gets exponentially better.